Thursday, June 19, 2008

After driving all night and not getting any sleep, this was a bleary day. I wouldn't have traded it for anything, though, because it allowed some incredibly deep and revealing (and, at times, difficult, but good difficult) moments with the woman I love. Despite the greater level of understanding we reached, I'm dogged by fear. I'm afraid of the ice-breaking that has cracked open my neglectuful, distant emotional shell coming too late to heal the wounded trust and starved sense of desire that are the wreckage of my stupidity. But then, I tend to expect the worst in such cases. And I don't intend for that to drag me down this time--I see what's going on now.

This past week I've re-connected to a lot of love and a perspective I was in denial about, and that's filled me with a sense of urgency and meaning that feels dramatically different from the carousel ride of not-quite-anything that I've allowed myself and this relationship to slip into. I think I've learned a great deal about emotions, but have had an incredibly blind eye when it comes to connecting those emotions to tangible, destiny-shaping action. I hope I can take hold of it and change it without further loss.

Activities of note today:

• Drove around looking for rental houses. Not a lot out there right now, at least in places I want to be. One or two nice looking houses for sale, but not sure that's the solution. Right now I'm liking the idea of something bigger, greener, home-ier, which would allow some important developments, but also the portability and flexibility of a lease, because it's hard to not think of this as part one of something bigger, that requires movement.
• Checked in with friends (who shall remain nameless while they're on vacation) about looking after their dogs while they're away. One thing about being so much of a hermit is that even routine contacts like this become glazed with a sense of richness born out of deprivation. Which is nice and all, but needs to be destroyed, and fast.