Sunday, June 29, 2008

Favorite moments of the day:

While running on the MKT trail this morning, on my way out, I passed an elderly Asian man (not positive, but I think Chinese), walking glacially slow, head down, no expression. Not the least common sight out there. But I've been thinking about how little interaction there can be sometimes between people on the trail. When I was on the main trail in Yellow Springs recently, I was amazed and delighted by the way people would go out of their way to say hi to you. In Columbia, it's not unpleasant, but most people are more reserved and don't make eye contact. I've noticed I don't tend to initiate a "hi" unless there's some kind of obvious opening, like eye contact, and sometimes it bugs me that I'm not one of those people who surprises you by saying hi. I feel the positive effects of it, and I'd like to give it back. So, on my way back during my run, I passed the old gentleman again, same head-down look for him, but this time I said, "good morning." And just like that, in a second, he looked up and the sunniest smile you can imagine beamed off his face, and he said the same thing to me in return in broken English.

Yes, if it's about my life, this blog will deal with a lot of small moments.

My other fave moment today came when I was taking the dogs out to Grindstone park. We had our walk around the area, and were heading back to the start. The dogs angled toward one of the entrances to the water, and I followed them down to the bank to watch them splash around, which is such a nice sight. As I was standing at the water's edge, it dawned on me--I have water-friendly sandals on; why am I on the shore? So I waded into the shallow water with them, going a little ways downstream, which only encouraged them to walk, swim, and splash around longer than they'd normally have done. The water felt cool and I felt alive. I'm glad I didn't make it through this week or so of looking after them without taking on some dog behavior myself!

Another nice random, if vicarious moment was flipping on the TV this afternoon (to rewind a tape I'd previously taped some Euro 2008 soccer on) and happening to catch the men's 100-meter-dash Olympic trials. And I saw the fastest time ever recorded in that race--9.68 seconds. it didn't count as a world record due to slightly too-high wind speeds, but it was the fastest anyone has ever been recorded running that distance. It was neat to just randomly happen to see the boundaries of human limits being pushed a little further.

(Speaking of TV, I've been remarking to myself how little of it I've been watching in the last month or two. I have the last few episodes of House, CSI, and Numb3rs on tape, unwatched, and I haven't had any interest in watching them. I've got piles of MST3Ks, DVDs I've never watched, and a full set of cable channels to choose from, and I don't feel like choosing any of it. All I've watched lately has been a bit of tennis and soccer, and some basketball during the playoffs (go Celtics). The TV's been idle otherwise. It feels good, and a little weird. I'm almost tempted to get rid of it altogether.)

Apart from that, it was a day of random activity. After biking to the trail and running this morning, I looked at a house for sale on Anderson Ave. It was a lovely old house, with lots of wood and character, old trees, lots of light and open space. It also had some pretty severe cracks in the foundation, and probably-related signs of shifting on the main level. So not perfect, but it made me think hard about the type of space I want to be in. It was close to an ideal space, but then I feel like stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. Space for what? Focusing on a certain space feels like it might be in line with the checklist thinking I describe several posts ago--the approach I've taken over the last few years to sort of build an imitation of life out of unliving pieces, rather than focusing on the living endeavors that give life purpose, then building out from there. Of course, there's value to being practical, and nothing wrong with looking for a space that I feel good about and which could be a place to house a life and family, but it's also a warning sign for me where I am now. I feel like I should keep my focus on figuring out some important relationship issues, and then with that knowledge, digging in to either shared or singular next life steps. Then, requirements for space and location will have more context.

I also spent a couple more hours in the pottery studio today, trimming one last bowl and glazing the two larger mugs I've made. The glazing I did previously on my first/smaller pieces was really hit and miss--didn't turn out as I'd hoped. The instructor, Karsten, happened to stop by today and he told me I was being too conservative with my glazes, that I could go thicker. So I did that on the two pieces I glazed today. These are the two pieces I most hope turn out well. Fingers crossed.

Least favorite moment of the day: forgetting it was my dad's 70th birthday yesterday. I'd been keeping mental track of it for the last month or so, but completely lost the plot just this last week and spaced it out. I'm glad I got to see him this morning and wish him happy birthday, but I wish I hadn't let it slip. I guess there's always room to improve.

It's been a productive day, and the emotional reassurance I received yesterday is keeping me calmer than I was before it. I'm still feeling a bit anxious and working through some confidence issues, a state I'll be at least partially locked in for the next week or two. I'm really hoping things go as well as they felt they could during my phone call yesterday morning. I feel so ready to just get on with it and start living the things I've been putting off, especially in the relationship area. I still don't know why I've been able to do that so well; I work and work and save money and don't make any plans, yet somehow subconsciously assume that everything I want is going to work out. But it never actually gets worked out, and I go for long stretches completely missing the connection, always shifting the actual substance of life until later, a mysterious later that is undefined.

I've done this most of my adult life, and it's afflicted pretty much every relationship I've been in. This is the first time I've ever really seen it like this, the first time I've realized how this pattern works, how I defer life. Even when I get pieces of that puzzle, it's always come too late to put the lessons into practice in the relationship I've been in. This time, there might just be a chance. I'll fight for it.

Better go now. Have some more to do before bed, and want to get there at a reasonable time, to then get up early and bike to work. I've been on a real streak with exercise, and I want to keep it going full speed.